At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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