I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
