my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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