mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
