I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
