When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
