your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
