I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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