youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
