I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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