all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
