She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
