I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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