his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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