If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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