apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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