Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
