Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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