apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
