When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Randomize
