I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize