after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She needs sedatives and a leash
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
