I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
