I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
