She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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