we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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