wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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