if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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