The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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