bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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