theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Come share oat with me in your robe
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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