he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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