Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
