Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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