cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
