Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If I die, sorry about rent.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
