halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize