oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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