she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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