I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
