I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
being pregnant is like rehab
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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