do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
