You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
