textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
