Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
