census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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