i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize