i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
