ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
