I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
