a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
