when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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