yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
vagina is talking i cant
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
