for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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