i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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