I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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