theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize