So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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