We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
