its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
