don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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